Severus Snape's Most Embarrassing Day Ever
by wendymarlowe
Summary: James Potter's latest prank has Severus Snape in a bind - literally, since Filch left Severus shackled upside-down to the wall in his office. And James's parting gift, an engorgio charm, has Severus seriously hoping nobody sees him. It falls to Lily Evans, Severus's soul-crippling crush, to find him and help him find a way out of his imprisonment - and maybe get a little revenge.


"I see you were telling the truth, Potter!" Filch exclaimed, nearly vibrating with joy.

Severus Snape jumped away from the caretaker's door. He _had_ been trying to pick the lock, it was true, but it was James's fault in the first place.

Filch stamped up the hallway, flanked by James Potter on one side and Mrs. Norris on the other. All three of them looked overjoyed to catch him doing something forbidden. Severus contemplated trying to plead his case - "_No really, James stole my wand and hid it in your office, sir!_" - but what was the use? Filch was always eager for another chance to punish a student, reasons be damned.

"I told you, sir!" James Potter said. The glee on his face was unmistakeable. "I told you he would skip supper and try to break into your office! He's nothing but a thief!"

Severus clenched his jaw to keep from yelling something back. Not that he could do anything, anyway – not without a wand, which he would probably never get back now. Filch probably had a collection of them in a basket under his desk. The urge to kick the door was strong, but Severus forced himself to stand perfectly still, head high, waiting for the inevitable.

"_Levicorpus!_"

He felt himself being lifted up in the air as if grabbed by his left ankle. Yes, there it was, predictable as always. Although James was being unusually bold, to cast his own spell back on him right in front of Filch. Surely Filch couldn't ignore -

But of course he could. "Bravo, Potter! You hold him there a moment . . ." Filch fumbled with his keyring and unlocked the door, muttering the whole time. "Dumbledore says I can't hit the students anymore, the man's gone soft, in my time it did a boy good to be whipped on occasion, don't know how they expect to keep order at this school if we have to mollycoddle the students . . . but reckon this time Dumbledore won't naysay the need for some punishment, I'm not going to touch the boy, but he'll regret trying to steal from me, yes he will . . ."

"Looking for your wand, Snivellus?" James smirked at him, upside-down, face level with Severus's navel as Severus hung helplessly in the air. "Guess you should have just practiced your alohamora spell – oh, wait, you can't do that without a wand, can you?"

"Bugger off," Severus said under his breath.

There was a grating and a clanking noise from inside the office, then Filch stuck his head out of the doorway. "Bring him in here, will you, Potter? This will teach him to try to steal my things . . ."

James smirked again, gloating, and flicked his wand to nudge Severus forward. The invisible hand gripping his ankle dragged him into the small room, and Severus narrowly avoided cracking his skull against Filch's desk as he flew past it and fetched up against the far wall. He had to choose between holding his robes up and protecting his head, and of course the inevitable glimpse of his underwear as his robes fell down over his face started James snickering.

"I've got you now, you little thief!" Filch reached up out of Severus's line of sight and closed something heavy and cold around his ankle. Severus beat his robes away from his face and craned his neck forward to look – it was one of the shackles Filch had always bragged about keeping polished and waiting on his office wall.

"You can let him go now, Potter . . . Snape, I'd like to see you get out of that!" Filch was practically rubbing his hands in anticipation. "Thoroughly impervious to spells, it is, although you're welcome to try . . . it's enchanted, see? Only opens if there's been no magic nearby for an hour or two. The longer you try to magic it open, the longer you stay on my wall."

"That's brilliant!" James said. Toadying up, clearly. "We should probably get to the great hall, though, or they'll finish supper without us – I'd hate to have made you miss a meal, sir."

Filch nodded happily, taken in by James Potter's questionable charm. "He'll be fine here until I get back. And Snape – if I find anything missing from this office when I return, there will be hell to pay, you understand that?"

Severus swallowed. "Yes sir," he choked out.

Filch practically skipped out of the room, Mrs. Norris at his heels. James hung back a moment, apparently savoring the image of Severus shackled to the wall and hanging upside-down by one ankle. "Bet you wish you had your wand now, don't you? Want to try to hex me? I might even come back in an hour or so and let you try – if it's bad enough, you might stay there all night!"

"Go choke on a dung beetle, Potter," Severus muttered.

James laughed quietly. "It occurs to me . . . there's a better way to keep you here, that won't interrupt my supper." He pointed his wand at Severus's crotch. "_Engorgio_. Enjoy your peace and quiet, Snivellus!"

Severus managed to keep his face carefully neutral until James had left the room – leaving the door conspicuously open a crack, no doubt on purpose – but the moment James was out of earshot he let out a stream of curses, both muggle and magical. None of which did the slightest thing, of course, since his wand was apparently hidden somewhere in the room and he had yet to have a chance to even start searching for it.

The engorgement charm worked uncomfortably quickly. Severus ached all over – but particularly his cock. His ankle was throbbing from the metal shackle digging into his heel bone with all his weight pulling against it, his arms ached from trying to hold his robe up to cover his body instead of letting it drape down over his face and suffocating him . . . but that all paled in comparison to what was happening were James had cast the spell. Within ten minutes Severus's cock was double its usual size. His underwear was unbearably tight now, the elastic cutting into his skin around his waist and across the still-growing head of his cock. As it grew and the tip peeked out from his waistband, the elastic scraped against his sensitive skin . . . he worked through his list of curses again.

Severus looked at the partially opened door. To hell with modesty – he'd be scraped raw if he didn't do something. It took some wriggling, but he managed to pull his robes off over his head and let them drop to the floor. He could just barely reach them again if he stretched his arm as far as it could go, but it would have to do – this way he at least could breathe. And see. And he had his hands free.

The underwear was harder – there was no way he could get it completely off, not with his ankle locked to the wall. Severus had to settle for gently edging it upwards, off his screaming cock, and letting it just hang there around his thighs like he was taking a dump on a camping trip in the middle of the woods. Hanging nearly naked in Filch's office was humiliating, but the engorgement charm had him more worried.

The minutes slid by, and Severus tried to think about anything other than the fear that someone would find him like this. His cock kept growing, minute by minute – by the time half an hour had passed, his cock reached past his navel and his whole crotch was on fire. The weight of gigantic genitalia was obviously not something the human body was designed for. He alternated between curses and an embarrassing number of unauthorized tears which leaked out no matter how hard he tried to suppress them. If his cock kept growing like this, would it eventually become too heavy for his body to handle, and just fall off? He couldn't help picturing what Madam Pomfrey's face would look like if he came into the infirmary with a thirty-pound wang . . .

A flash of movement at the door had Severus frantically grabbing for his robes. He glanced around the room for a clock – had supper already finished? After three panicked tries, his fingers managed to snag a fold of the robes. Severus contemplated trying to put them on again, but realized he would never manage in his current state. Second-best was to drape the robes, sleeves and all, across his torso and between his legs. He managed just enough of a vertical crunch to pull the sleeves through between his thighs and pin them to the wall with his back. It wasn't perfect – both his legs were still exposed from the hips onward, and the briefs stretched around his thighs showed what he was clearly not wearing under the robe – but at least he wasn't _completely_ naked.

He had barely gotten himself covered (his cock now reached almost to his collarbone) when the door moved.

"Hello? Is someone in here? I thought I saw Filch upst – _Severus, is that you?_"

Severus banged his head against the stone wall and closed his eyes. Of all the people to discover him here like this, Lily Evans was the last one he'd want to see.

_Or the first?_ a voice inside his head whispered. As mortified as he was, at least he knew she wouldn't laugh at him like James's friends would.

When he opened his eyes again she was there in the office, pity filling her beautiful face. She met his gaze and seemed to know that just one comment, any comment, would be enough to undo him – she turned and closed the door instead.

"What happened, Severus? What can I do to help?"

He swallowed, praying he wouldn't start crying again. "James stole my wand this afternoon. He was bragging that he'd hidden it in here. I tried to break in to look for it, but James was waiting with Filch to catch me. Filch was overjoyed to have a chance to use these shackles – you know he's been hounding Dumbledore about them for years."

Lily nodded, and her eyes went to the metal band around his ankle. "Should I try to open it?"

"Filch said it's enchanted – it will only work if there's been no magic near it for hours. And of course, James cast a spell on . . . part of me . . . before he left, so I don't think it will open until the spell dissipates. But since I don't have a wand, there's nothing I can do."

"Then a spell or two now won't delay you, will it?" She offered a tenuous smile. "Do you want to borrow my wand?"

"I . . . yes, please."

She handed it over. It was not at all what Severus was used to – too short and more flexible than his own – but still . . . "_Levicorpus!_" Nothing happened.

"You're casting that spell on yourself?" Lily asked, her eyebrows raised.

"It – the band is cutting into my ankle. I thought if I could at least use magic instead . . ."

"Would you like me to try?" She blushed. "I mean, I know you and James and the others cast that spell at each other all the time, but I've never actually done it. So I don't know if I – it may take me a few tries -"

Severus offered the wand back without a word. She took it and screwed up her face in concentration. "Levicorpus! _Levicorpus!_"

He groaned as the spell took hold. The pain in his ankle changed from a sharp throb to a dull ache – the magical hand grasping his ankle was much more gentle than the shackles. Severus made a mental note to see whether he could tweak the spell for future use – James needed to know what the shackle felt like . . .

"Better? But you still have – what's that hidden under your robe? Is that James's spell?" Lily closed the gap between them and rested her hand on the bulge over Severus's chest. Even through the fabric of his robes, the feel of her delicate fingers brought his sore cock to life. The robes looked like they were inflating right before his and Lily's eyes as his inevitable reaction to her proximity took hold.

"What's the – _oh Severus!_" Lily jumped back, fabric of the robe still clasped in her hand, leaving him completely exposed (except for the underwear) and wishing he could disappear into the floor.

"I'm going to kill James Potter," she announced. "I can't believe he would . . . does it hurt?"

"Like the devil," Severus admitted.

"_Reducio_," Lily said, and tapped his distended cock gently with her wand. It didn't move. "Do you want to try? I don't want to . . ." she blushed even more brightly. "I wouldn't want to make assumptions about . . . how far to go . . ."

Severus took the proffered wand and repeated the spell, but there was still no change in size. Although . . . "It's not growing anymore, I think. That's a start."

Lily spoke slowly, obviously choosing her words carefully. "I think I could try again, do a little better this time, and we might be able to reverse the engorgement charm's effects. It was an engorgement charm, wasn't it?"

Severus nodded.

"Yes, well, I'll probably better get better results than you would since it's with my own wand. But for me to get the nuance right, I think I'll have to . . . to actually touch you with my other hand. I – feel free to say so if that's too uncomfortable for you, Severus."

He opened his mouth, but no sound came out. How could it be any more uncomfortable than the situation he was already in? Lily Evans, running her hand along his . . . the thought hardened him the rest of the way almost instantly, the tip of his cock nearly knocking him in the chin.

"It's still growing!" she exclaimed, concern in her voice. "I thought we had at least stopped it -"

"No, that was, ah, natural," Severus forced himself to admit. His face was surely already bright red from being dangled upside-down for so long, but his admission seemed to embarrass her almost as much as it did him.

"Oh – that's okay then, I guess?" She took a deep breath. "All right, I'll try this again." She laid her hand gently but firmly over the head of his cock, and Severus had to grind his teeth to prevent himself from moaning at the sensation, engorgement charm or not. "_Reducio!_"

He wasn't sure whether it had worked at first. Lily kept her hand wrapped around him, her delicate fingers not even reaching halfway around his magically augmented girth. They both held very still, their breathing echoing in the silence, while they waited for a reaction . . .

The tingling started toward the tip, right under her hand. It spread more and more quickly until his whole cock felt like pins and needles were skewering it in all direction. Severus bit his tongue until it drew blood – there was no way he would cry in front of Lily. Absolutely no way.

"Is it working?" she asked hesitantly.

Severus grunted – the only answer he could make without unclenching his teeth. The pins and needles progressed to an itch and then a full-on roaring fire. It felt like his skin was shrinking around him, stretching and burning as it went. His hand went involuntarily to the base of his shaft, trying to massage some of the pain away -

Lily's eyes tracked his movement. She kept her hand very still, but she licked her lips and the look her eyes took on a new dimension. Severus went light-headed all over again at that little flash of tongue teasing her lower lip . . .

He didn't even realize he had groaned aloud until she spoke. "Is there – is there anything I can do to make it stop hurting, Severus?" She gripped him gently, then, lightly squeezing the front of the head of his cock with her delicate hand. "I hate seeing you like this – I want to help –"

"_That!_" Severus groaned. "Keep doing . . . exactly that. It helps, it really does . . . oh, my skin is on fire . . ."

She obeyed immediately, dropping her wand on the corner of Filch's desk and reaching both hands up to encircle him. Severus threw his head back so fast he banged it on the wall again, but it didn't matter – at least the part of him Lily was touching felt glorious. Her touch was feather-light, tentative, and he found himself yearning for more.

"Here, like this," he said, and placed his hands over hers, pressing them more firmly into his flesh. Lily caught on quickly, and soon she was running her lithe hands up and down the length of him with just the right amount of pressure . . .

"I've got a good guess as to what we need to do to relieve the pain," she said, a gleam in her eye. "And it's not magical."

Severus felt his mouth go dry. She increased the pace of her strokes, leaving no doubt in his mind exactly what she intended. He knew he ought to argue, ought to insist they try something else first, but his brain was as frozen as his voicebox. Lily Evans was offering to –

And then she stepped closer and bent her mouth to him. Severus did cry out, a hoarse moan, as she pressed a line of kisses up his cock from the tip to his groin. A part of him worried that someone else had overheard, some passing student or teacher, but that part of his mind was quickly overwhelmed by the flood of sensation Lily was unleashing.

"I want to . . . Lily, can I touch you back?" he asked, and immediately felt mortified for having said it aloud. She was doing this out of pity, he knew, she wasn't really interested in –

She straightened, letting go of his cock, and Severus could have cried. But then with one smooth motion she swept her robes off over her head and tossed them to the floor behind her, and his mind emptied of everything except the sight of her standing there in her bra and panties and nothing else except her shoes. She nudged closer, reaching for his cock again . . . and this time the pale green fabric of her panties was only inches from Severus's nose. They weren't particularly fancy – plain green cotton with little white flowers – but they might as well have been the world's raciest lingerie given the effect they had on him.

Slowly, tentatively, he reached for her, sliding his palms around behind each of her knees and letting his hands glide upwards along the backs of her thighs. Lily gave a little wiggle with her hips, a soft feminine murmur, and a hot lick to his cock which left him seeing stars. He continued his exploration, dragging his hands up over her backside, then palming her hips and drawing her toward him those last crucial inches.

She let out a soft gasp when his kiss made contact with the green fabric. Severus could barely believe this was happening, didn't want to scare her – but he couldn't wait a moment longer. He tucked his thumbs under her waistband and tugged her panties down until they slid to the floor. She stepped out of them, one dainty foot after another, and kicked them backwards to join her robes without ever stopping the delicate torture she was performing with her mouth and her hands.

Severus had never been this close to someone like this before – and definitely not while chained upside-down to a wall. But some things were purely instinct. Like guiding her closer again and pressing a kiss to her curls, and letting his tongue explore her further when she groaned and planted her legs a bit farther apart to grant him easier access. He blessed whichever bygone groundskeeper had installed the shackles on the wall at this exact spot – the height gave him the perfect angle to nudge upward into her warmth and tease her with his tongue until he could feel the vibrations on his cock as she moaned against him. He kept one arm locked around the small of her back, holding her in place, but he let his other hand trail across her hip, down the sensitive inside of her thigh, then back up . . .

A new burst of wetness hit his tongue as he played. He let his fingers drift higher, until at last he let one fingertip slide inside her. He could feel her internal muscles clamp down around him, warm and silky and desperate, and he nearly came right there. But no, he would restrain himself, not let go until –

She licked back down to the tip of his cock and took him in her mouth. He was still ridiculously oversized, so she could only get the very tip, but she reached her hands around just under the head to stabilize him and did her best to lick and suck him into a different plane of existence. Severus groaned aloud, not caring what she'd say, and he heard her low chuckle.

_Turnabout is fair play, right?_ He slid a second finger inside her, alongside the first, and sucked hard on the little nub of flesh in front of his face. He felt an enormous stab of satisfaction at how her chuckle turned into a squeal and then a kittenish mewling as he crooked his fingers inside her body and turned her legs to jelly. If he hadn't been holding her tight around the small of her back, she would have fallen.

But her sudden weight just impaled her harder onto his tongue and his two long fingers. Severus redoubled his efforts, focusing on the things she was giving the most vocal responses to – and then she trembled and gasped, clenching around his fingers. He kept going until her tremors ceased and she was panting against him.

"But wait – you too," she breathed, and trailed one hand up to caress his balls. And then the tightness in his cock was too much to bear and he could feel himself about to come –

He reached up to cup his oversized cock and angle it away from her, just in time. His orgasm felt like it went on forever, an endless stream of come flowing out of his cock. Severus couldn't do anything except glory in the sensation – on and on and on and on –

When it finally stopped and he looked up at Lily's face, she was grinning. He was still a bit dazed, but seeing that grin was worth even more to him than the volcanic orgasm had been.

"It worked," she said simply. Severus craned his neck upward – she was right. His cock had stopped hurting and was back to its normal size, more or less. A bit more, actually, but he wasn't inclined to complain. Even if the effect was only temporary, at least Lily would assume this was the usual . . .

"And now that you're fixed," she added, "we can work on that shackle."

Severus wiggled his toes inside his boot. Would he have to hang here for another hour – or more? But Lily was already reaching up with her wand to tap, not the shackle, but the stone wall behind it.

"_Diffindo!_"

The stone directly under her wand crumbled into nothingness. The shackle's bolts, no longer attached to anything, clanked feebly as they collapsed against the ring of the shackle itself, and the ring dropped down Severus's bare leg until it caught around his calf. He was still hanging in the air courtesy of the levicorpus spell, but at least he was no longer tethered to the wall.

"Here, hold my waist," Lily said, and slipped one arm around Severus's side. "I'm going to let you down – it's 'liberacorpus," right? _Liberacorpus!_"

The invisible hand holding his ankle disappeared, and Severus would have fallen face-first onto the ground if he and Lily hadn't been holding each other. She stumbled, but he managed to get his feet under him before they both hit the floor. He straightened and, suddenly feeling shy, pulled his underwear back up where it belonged. Funny how he and Lily could have shared a moment like that, but knowing she was watching him pull on his briefs made his face flame . . .

Then he turned back to her and saw the room. Lily was waiting for his reaction – her grin returned, the very mirror of the one James had worn when he cast the engorgement charm. Because Severus's come was everywhere. He had managed to miss their robes, but Filch's desk was completely covered in splatters of sticky white fluid. So was the wall behind it, the careful stacks of papers he kept on the floor beside the filing cabinet, and his chair.

"Do you think Filch will notice?" Lily asked, clearly trying to suppress a fit of the giggles.

Severus flushed further. "Good God – was that all from me? What is he going to _think_?"

She did laugh, then. "He doesn't know about James's engorgement charm, right? So he's probably going to think you spent the last hour furiously wanking over all his precious paperwork." She turned her head, surveying the damage. "And the best part is, he can't complain to Dumbledore, because you _know_ what Dumbledore would tell him about using those shackles."

Severus looked down at his ankle and the metal ring still looped around it. "Guess I'll have to just wait for this to come off, then?"

"Oh, it should come off tonight, I would think – nobody's doing magic in their sleep. But Filch will have no idea what happened and he can't complain because he left you here in the first place. Which reminds me – _accio Severus's wand!_" There was a rumble from the direction of the filing cabinet, then the missing wand came zooming out from between the cabinet and the wall. Lily caught it and handed it to him. "So here's my suggestion," she continued. "Let's get dressed, get the heck out of here, and enjoy some pleasant dreams tonight." Her eyes twinkled. "Pleasant in multiple ways, I would hope."

"I – ah, yes," Severus stammered. This Lily – the charmingly devilish side of Lily – never failed to leave him tongue-tied, and it seemed that hadn't changed. They dressed quickly, Lily pulling her panties back on without a shadow of the embarrassment Severus had felt earlier.

"Well then I'll see you in class tomorrow," she said.

"You won't – tell anyone? About this?"

She smiled and pulled him close for a peck on the cheek. "I promise I won't, Severus. You know me. James is fun to be around a lot of the time, but he's an complete unethical jackass where you're concerned and it will be nice to see him get one-upped by you. This was – well, it was amazing, but I don't want to let it change anything between us." She paused. "Although I do promise to tell you if James mentions anything – I doubt he'll name names, he never brags about his pranks when they go awry, but I'll let you know if it comes up. Anyway, see you tomorrow!"

And Severus was left staring at an empty doorway.


End file.
